What to do if a guy wants to remain friends. What to do if a man said let's remain friends. We bring back our loved one. No. Not on these terms

Psychology of relationships

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24.02.14 15:45

Is there friendship between a man and a woman? There has never been a clear answer to this age-old question. But what if a man himself offers friendship, but he does this instead of continuing a romantic relationship?

Do you love him?

First, you need to answer yourself the question: do you like this man? Do you love him or not? At first glance, such questions have nothing to do with the main problem, but a truthful answer will help you understand your own feelings.

If you have known this man for a long time, and have not yet decided for yourself whether you like him or not, and he also offers to continue the friendship, then why not agree. There is nothing wrong. Even if you remain friends and not loving partners, then so be it.

It's another matter if you managed to fall in love with a man. If a guy offers to just be friends, this may mean that he is not interested in you as a girl. In this case, it will be very painful for you to be his friend, watching him date other girls, kiss your friends, etc.

Why does a man offer friendship?

You should also understand the real reasons why a man offers friendship instead of a relationship. There are many options, the most common are:

• he has another girlfriend whom he is not yet ready to leave;
• he likes you, but he is not yet ready to take responsibility for the family that will soon form if you continue to build a romantic relationship;
• a man likes to communicate with you, have fun, but as a girl you are indifferent to him;
• the guy can’t figure it out on his own, so he temporarily offers to leave the friendship;
• he turned out to be gay. For a girl, this can be a very interesting discovery, however, such cases do occur.

Based on the true reason for such an act on the part of a man, we can talk about what should be done and what should be avoided.

• Deal with it and continue searching for your soul mate.
• You shouldn’t reproach yourself that a man didn’t like you, or constantly oppress and humiliate yourself. You are a beautiful girl with your own merits and advantages. Just forget that you ever dreamed of being in a wedding dress next to this guy. Start looking for another partner who will be worthy of you.
• A man who offers friendship, if he really loves you, will definitely return to you and offer you a serious, romantic relationship. In the meantime, don’t fill your head with unnecessary thoughts and desires about this.

It is noteworthy that when girls offer friendship instead of a serious relationship, this often means the following: “I’m ready to make friends with you, take a closer look at you, and maybe we’ll date.” At the same time, a man’s phrase “Let’s remain friends” often means that he does not want to continue the relationship, and it is unlikely that it will ever develop into a romantic one. Remember that how you behave in this situation depends on your mood, spiritual and physical state, and even your future destiny.

In the life of any person, at least once there has been a situation when a far from indifferent person utters three fatal words. No, this is not “I love you,” this is “let’s remain friends.” What to do in such situations, how to survive a sudden blow, and develop such relationships - we will consider further.

If he said "Let's stay friends"

This phrase is also called – DOD. In this case, the sacred phrase can be uttered both before the start of the relationship, as a way to stop it, and any time after it began. As you can imagine, both developments of events bring with them extremely negative feelings and emotions. Let's look at both situations.

So, a guy and a girl meet, communicate, perhaps the girl’s feelings are already flaring up, hopes are glimmering, but then comes the same offer to remain friends. Naturally, hopes are dashed, resentment and misunderstanding arise. Here it is worth deciding what to do next. As always in life, there are several options for the development of events:

• The girl agrees, suppressing her romantic feelings, trying her best to be friends.
• Or he expresses disagreement with this state of affairs, which most often ends in a complete cessation of communication.

In the first case, you need to understand the pros and cons of the situation, as well as sensibly assess your capabilities and chances. After all, for what reason does the guy offer to remain just friends? Often the reason is that he just doesn’t see a specific girl as his beloved. This may be due to the fact that the girlfriend’s appearance does not fit his personal standards and dreams, or because there are significant “shortcomings” in the companion’s behavior. The interests are so different that any attempts at a relationship seem futile. There can be many reasons.

Possible reasons that lead to DOD include the young man's reluctance to start a relationship. This may also have a basis: an unsuccessful past experience in love, rejection, falling in love with another girl, lack of confidence in the strength for a new relationship, etc. Also, do not forget about such a basis as “collecting” girls around you. This is what suffers from either overly self-confident or insecure men - they need to assert themselves at the expense of the girls around them. Such “macho men” get sincere pleasure from gathering around them women who are in love with them, who are ready to rush at the first call, doing everything to get attention.

In this case, any lady gets disappointed and is forced to put up with the fact that the guy next to her is in great demand. He is always surrounded by girlfriends, and spending time with him is practically a holiday.

Knowing such possible reasons for offering DOD, each lady has the right to decide what she hopes for, what she wants to ultimately receive. If the love is strong, then you can answer with consent. It is noteworthy that if a guy belongs to the considered category of “collectors,” he will know about the girl’s feelings, flirt with her, flirt with her, bring her closer, push her away. In this case, there will be no awkwardness in the relationship. If this is an ordinary guy who is aware of the feelings that have arisen - it is likely that such a couple will not make friends - a certain tension and tension will be felt.

After agreeing to the DOD proposal, the lover needs to hide her tender feelings as best as possible, especially if she still plans to develop the situation before the start of the relationship.

You should behave like a real friend: help, support, share news and maybe even new novels. However, it is possible to collect information in parallel. What kind of girls does a guy like - appearance, character, features, erudition, how he feels about relationships, what he expects from them, what his goals, desires are, etc. In short, full-fledged intelligence activity is necessary. This is all done with just one goal: to change to these requirements, to become that very ideal party, trying your luck in a relationship. Bonus - the constant presence of a loved one, the opportunity to receive all the information first-hand, spending time together.

Sometimes, in the process of such friendship, an understanding comes of what kind of person is nearby and the love passes. This development of events is good, if only because love passes, but the friend remains.

Another scenario may seem difficult and painful. But what is better: to waste your time and life on a person who does not want a relationship, does not recognize the girl next to him as attractive, or to experience the short-term pain of broken illusions? For those who are not used to wasting their money on trifles, the option of explaining the situation and interrupting contacts is the most optimal. You can answer something like: “I don’t have very friendly feelings towards you, and I’m unlikely to be able to be a good friend to you from this position, so I don’t think we should continue communicating.” Interestingly, often after such a statement and the cessation of any communication, guys begin to strive to resume communication. At the same time, not in order to later declare DOD again, but for real relations.

If the offer to remain friends comes at the end of the relationship

If a girl hears a phrase where the words “stay” and “friends” are used in one sentence from her boyfriend, then It’s best to cut off all contacts right at this moment, heal mental wounds and go in search of your happiness. Let many people say that you just have to wait it out and everything will work out - no, if you stay nearby all the time, then nothing will work out.

The main problem is that DOD is a polite form of separation, invented by those who, for some reason, are not able to immediately put all the dots in a relationship.

This is possible due to the gentle nature of the young man, his reluctance to upset or offend his passion, and the shame he feels because he already has a new beloved in mind. After a romantic relationship, building an ordinary friendship is almost equivalent to winning the jackpot in the instant lottery. Someone continues to love, be jealous, barely keep within the bounds of decency, while others are already building their new life, experiencing awkwardness and shame.

You can, of course, suffer, but it’s better to just stop everything. This solution has one big advantage. During a time of complete calm in communication, you can take care of your life, change, make new acquaintances... Surprisingly, most often, after a long time without communication, a guy who has met his ex-girlfriend, with whom he broke up according to the canons of DOD, suddenly realizes that he urgently needs a relationship with this beautiful lady. But by this moment the girl has often already found a new couple, and she may even wonder why there is such zeal all of a sudden.

It’s not just that they say that distance and restrictions kindle feelings with passion, and especially if this time is spent usefully. It is, of course, worth considering whether the guy had real feelings or whether it was a temporary affair. But agreeing with the DOD on the terms of sex without obligations is not the most sensible idea. Of course, all people are adults, and if the sex was really good, then you can think about it, but you need to face the truth. This will be associated with constant hope and feelings of trampled love. Therefore, it is optimal to cut down all such proposals in the bud.

When the guy returned after the phrase “Let's remain friends”

And, let's consider a fairly common situation that occurs when a guy returns and no longer wants DOD, but wants a relationship. This development of events most often occurs after all ties have been severed: several months pass, an accidental or intentional meeting, and the guy’s feelings suddenly flare up. What's a girl to do?

It all depends on what goals the rejected woman has and what has happened in her life. During this time, some girls successfully enter into new relationships and do not even want to talk about some former “friends”. In such a situation, everything is simple and transparent, so let’s consider a situation where the girl has not yet acquired fans and is not averse to renewing the relationship.

One of the options is to immediately agree to the guy’s proposals, in the hope that this time the matter will not end in DOD.

We have to admit that there is a risk of being disappointed again, since what happened once is likely to happen again.

However, every girl has the right to choose her own thrills.

Another option is for those who feel offended, wanting to tie the guy to themselves more strongly. To do this, you need to play the game “near-far”. Yes, the girl agrees to the guy's return, but when the relationship begins, a fun game begins. Periods alternate when everything is wonderful in the relationship, a lot of time is spent together, with periods when the girl suddenly disappears. Not for long, of course, but still. You can answer anything about this, the main thing is that the explanation does not cause attacks of jealousy. Such cycles should be of varying duration, repeating infrequently, otherwise there is a risk of final separation. It's better to focus on each specific guy.

What can this achieve? A more reverent, careful attitude - what is most valued is what is quite easy to lose. It also brings moral satisfaction, strengthening relationships.

Especially vindictive girls (or those who are no longer interested in such relationships) may offer him DOD when their ex-boyfriend returns. Having answered, you know, I value you as a friend, let’s not disturb the idyll, especially since you even wanted communication yourself. The effect of such a statement can be stunning: the guy may begin to strive with all his might to win over his former passion, with whom he treated so incorrectly, while every effort will be made. In a different development of events, the man will be offended and disappear on his own, but moral satisfaction will already be received.

To summarize

Girls who are faced with such a concept experience negative emotions and sensations, since such a statement breaks their heart. However, how to perceive this situation, how to act in this case, everyone decides for themselves independently..

Of course, some couples still maintain good relationships, come to each other’s aid, consult, spend time together, introduce each other to new lovers, but such a development is rare.

Resuming a relationship after such a breakup is a separate issue that needs to be carefully considered after weighing the decisions. There is no guarantee that the situation will not happen again, but there is no guarantee that it will happen again. If there is reason to believe that the final severance of ties will have a much better impact on later life - why not?. If it seems that this time everything will be different, it’s worth trying.

The main thing is to remember that life does not end after a single such event on the love front. What is happening is just a valuable life experience.

Several years ago, I wrote an article called “Should You Stay Friends with Your Ex?”, which addressed the question of the advisability of such friendships, but without regard to the desire to get the guy back. That is, it was assumed that return was not your goal. In the time that has passed since that publication, in the comments to my articles they very often ask: “What should I do if my ex suggested “staying friends” after a breakup? Should we agree to a new format of relationship in the form of “friendship”? Will such “friendship” with your ex help you get him back?” Today I will try to answer these questions.

Should I accept my ex-boyfriend's offer to “stay friends”?

It is unlikely that you can find any other factor that would have a greater negative impact on the chance of getting a guy back than “staying friends.” Nothing will slow down the process of rebuilding a relationship more.

You probably think that turning the relationship into a “friendship” state will help you be closer to your guy, but in reality you will be moving further away from him. The longer the “friendship” lasts, the deeper you become established in the role of a friend and the less likely it is that the guy will again see you not as a platonic, but as a romantic partner.

In addition, it is worth noting that this “friendship” will not bring you joy. Imagine, for example, how your ex-boyfriend starts dating another girl, and you have to sit back and watch, because you are a friend. Moreover, you will need to pretend to be “happiness”, because you are a friend. Now imagine how a guy walks with this girl “hand in hand” where you walked with him and how he takes her to “your places”. Now try to imagine him calling you the next day to talk about it, listen to your opinion and ask for advice.

Think about it, how can you be “friends” like that? - Of course not! If you still love him, you cannot deceive yourself and pretend that no love exists. The passive role of a friend will only lead you to the most severe jealousy, bitterness, and ultimately to anger and resentment.

When a guy says after a breakup, “Let’s stay friends,” “I don’t want to lose touch with you,” “we’ll still talk,” or something like that, it’s very easy to make the mistake of agreeing with it. The reason for this mistake is simple: you don’t want to “lose it completely.” But the “final loss” that most girls talk about is nothing more than an illusion and self-deception. There is not and cannot be any “incomplete” loss for you. Romantic relationships either exist or they don’t, there’s no middle ground. After all, you need a romantic relationship, and not just any kind. But for a guy who left you, there is precisely an incomplete loss, because friendship with you completely suits him, and only by losing this friendship will he lose you completely.

It seems to you that by “staying friends” with your ex, you do not lose contact with him. You can, as before, call or write to him, talk to him, see him, or even hang out somewhere together. You think that over time, an insight will suddenly descend on him, he will understand that he loves you, after which the relationship will be restored in the most natural way. At first glance, it is a simple, clear and easy strategy. However, the reality is that it almost never works. If you become a friend to your ex-boyfriend, this does not increase the chances of his return, but on the contrary, it reduces them, making a return extremely unlikely.

Why? - In the end, the guy has everything he had while you were in the relationship, but at the same time he is free from any obligations to you. And if you also consider that in many cases “friendship” with an ex also includes “friendly” sex, then the guy is generally completely satisfied with everything.

Let's look at the situation from your ex-boyfriend's point of view:

He gets the freedom to contact you whenever he needs;
he can see you whenever he wants or when he misses you;
he can have fun spending his free time with you and even offer joint travel, vacations, trips, parties, picnics (and you won’t refuse, you won’t risk it);
he is not obliged to call you, write, entertain, pay attention, listen, etc., because he is not your boyfriend, but just a friend;
he can quite easily date other girls without the risk of losing you;
he also gets the opportunity to maintain an intimate connection with you.

Name at least one reason why a guy, having all this, would want to reconnect with you. Seriously, think about it. Your ex-boyfriend has no incentive to get back with you. By having you as a friend, he has everything he could have in a relationship.

The ex-boyfriend extracts the maximum benefit for himself from his “friendship” with you - you love him, take care of him, try to please him, in the hope that he will return, and the guy is only “friends” with you. In fact, your ex-boyfriend is exploiting your feelings by giving him false hope that makes you want to be a very good, perfect friend to him no matter what. You cannot be offended, respond to rudeness or neglect, because if you lose your temper, then your hope is over. It seems to you that then you will “lose him completely,” and the guy takes advantage of your tension and fear even unconsciously (and sometimes consciously).

A very unpleasant situation, isn't it? - But the worst thing is that you yourself are to blame for this if you agreed to “remain friends” even after the guy left you. Don't indulge yourself with illusions. When offering friendship, a guy is not guided solely by crystal clear thoughts. Think about it, if you're not good enough for him to be his girlfriend, then why are you good enough to be his friend? Doesn't this seem strange? By agreeing to be a friend, you thereby agree to lower your status, and this is humiliating.

Imagine if your best friend announced that she would no longer consider you her best friend, but only a friend, but at the same time insists on continuing communication, spending time together and mutual help: “I want you to continue to treat me as to your best friend, but you won’t be my best friend anymore.” Humiliating? - Yes! Would that suit you? Would you agree to this? - No! Why then should you agree to even greater humiliation in front of your ex-boyfriend? Even if you are very guilty before him, then this is only a reason for an apology, for working on yourself, but not a reason for humiliation and loss of self-esteem.

The solution to this problem is actually very simple and obvious: you should tell him “no.” Just say it directly: “Thanks, but no.” You love him too much to allow yourself to be content with just the status of a friend, to pretend that this suits you and not dare to show your true feelings. Therefore, it’s either love or nothing. Maybe someday in the future you can become his friend, but not now and not in the near future. Just wish your guy all the best and say goodbye to him.

If you can do just that, the guy will naturally not be happy, because this is not at all what he expected. Breaking up a relationship is an unpleasant thing not only for the one who is being abandoned, but also for the one who is leaving. Of course, these are different levels of “trouble,” but at the same time they are troubles and experiences for both parties. In such conditions, the guy wants to ensure freedom of maneuver for himself, but at the same time he deprives you of this freedom.

He became uncomfortable with you (which is why he broke off the relationship), but he still doesn’t know how he will feel without you. So he strives to make the transition from the state “with you” to the state “without you” as painless as possible for himself. The guy seems to put his foot in the door so that you don’t close it; on the other hand, he leans on the same door so that you don’t open it, and calls the resulting gap, the width of which, by the way, is under his complete control, “friendship.” . Thus, he does not need to make a choice - to be with you or without you, since you, as it were, remain with him. He loses nothing and risks nothing.

It is worth noting that this guy’s behavior is not malicious intent to cause you suffering. In such situations, most people act exactly according to this scheme. If it is possible not to make a choice and not expose oneself to the risk of later regretting one's decision, a person will use this opportunity for as long as he is allowed to do so.

Indeed, it’s one thing to look for new clothes while the old one remains with you, but it’s quite another thing when, before buying a new one, you need to give away the old one. This is a completely different level of responsibility for one’s decision; risks arise, right?

By denying a guy “friendship” after a breakup, you deprive him of his freedom of maneuver and force him to make a choice that he avoids in every possible way, because as a result of this choice he really risks losing you “completely.”

Refusing the offer to “stay friends” is a very powerful move that makes a guy think hard about the correctness of his decision. Indeed, in this case, you also get freedom of maneuver, exactly the same as he does. Therefore, you can live your life, date other guys, have fun without your ex-boyfriend, and he won't even know with whom, when or where. Does this prospect make him happy? - Of course not!

In many cases, having received a refusal of “friendship” from the girl he left behind, a guy can actually understand after a relatively short time that he was in a hurry to break off the relationship and is not ready for his girlfriend to go to someone else. This may prompt the guy to think that perhaps it is worth restoring the relationship, but just work better on mutual understanding before that.

In fact, guys are not at all as cruel as their actions suggest and are not as difficult to understand as they seem. Therefore, know that when a guy says: “It’s all over between us,” and his decision is final, irrevocable, and under no circumstances will he ever return to you, then in fact, inside him, everything is not so simple. And if he offers you “friendship” after a breakup, then it’s even more ambiguous.

Why you shouldn't pay attention to your ex-boyfriend's attempts to be friends

The fantasy of almost every girl left by her boyfriend looks something like this: Suddenly the phone rings, and the girl sees that it is her ex-boyfriend. Excited, she watches as his name and number appear on the phone screen... or an email comes from him, or a message on a social network, or something else. In short, no matter what, he wants to contact her. Now she will answer him and hear that he loves her, cannot live without her and wants to restore the relationship...

But is this really so? – As a rule, this is not the case at all. Why then does your ex-boyfriend want to contact you? What could this mean?

In such a situation, you are too worried to understand the reasons for his attempt to make contact. Most often, the ex-boyfriend does not need contact in order to restore the relationship. Usually this is “reconnaissance” in order to find out whether the “place of your boyfriend” vacated by him is free and whether it is still reserved for him. He needs the most complete information in order to understand how free he is to maneuver and how much time he has to stay in a state where he does not yet need to make a final choice between “being with you” or “being without you.” Simply put, the guy wants to know how great the risk is of losing you completely, and whether you feel free in your further actions.

It is possible that contact will be supported by some plausible pretext, for example, “to pick up your things.” He may want to look at you, see you, visit you at home so that the “intelligence data” about the assessment of your current position is as accurate as possible. He can also collect information through friends, colleagues, and relatives. During a contact or meeting, he will probably want to secure your consent to maintain constant contact in the future (“let’s communicate, because you are not a stranger to me”), and ideally, to “become friends” in order to have a guarantee of freedom for himself maneuver (which I already wrote about above). Sometimes a guy can resort to manipulation - start to be “offended” if you refuse him “friendship” and blackmail you with “his final loss,” but he will do this only in order not to lose control over you.

Naturally, there may be other cases and other reasons, but, as a rule, it is the desire to control you, the whole situation as a whole, and to be calm about his unoccupied place in your heart, that serves as an incentive that forces a guy not to lose touch with you after the end of the relationship . This is why breaking up is so important, especially in the first few days or even weeks after a breakup.

Please note that I am not saying anything about the need to ignore your ex-boyfriend or not respond to his messages and phone calls, about blacklisting him and deleting him from “friends” on social networks, about writing him a devastating letter expressing all your grievances ... It’s better not to do any of this, since this is a manifestation not of strength, but of weakness. Plus, it won't always be possible to do this because you might work or study together, live in the same house, have mutual friends, and hang out in the same places.

Your goal is not to temporarily cut your ex-boyfriend out of your life. All that is required of you is to push his foot out of the door crack and put yours there, seize control of the door, and show the guy only what you want to show - a strong girl, capable of surviving a heavy blow of fate and looking to the future, or else What he wants to see is a weak and pathetic creature ready to give up everything in order to devote her entire life to waiting for his return. Let the guy not understand anything and constantly doubt - who you are with, where you are, how you spend your time, what you are thinking about, or maybe you already have someone... This will inflame his curiosity even more.

However, if you are not capable of that level of self-control with your ex-boyfriend, think very carefully before you happily answer his call a couple of days or weeks after the breakup, even if you can think of a million reasons to do so. After all, you will give yourself away and let your ex-boyfriend know that you are still waiting for his return, his place is free, and he can take his time and not worry about anything. I am against ignoring and playing “silent”, but if you have to choose between “completely ignoring” and “being friends”, it is better to choose the first, because by remaining friends with your ex, you will greatly delay his return or even make it impossible.

Only when you are ready to get your ex-boyfriend back, when you understand what the true reason for the breakup was and how to build a new relationship, only then can you start all over again and become friends. But this will be a different friendship - before the relationship, and not after it. Hope you understand the difference?

FROM THE AUTHOR: My responses in the comments are the opinion of an individual and not the advice of a specialist. I’m trying to answer everyone without exception, but unfortunately I don’t physically have time to study long stories, analyze them, ask questions about them and then answer in detail, and I also don’t have the opportunity to accompany your situations, because this requires a huge amount of free time, and I have very little of it.

In this regard, I kindly ask you to ask specific questions about the topic of the article, do not try to use the comments for correspondence or chat, and do not expect me to provide advice in the comments.

Of course, you can ignore my request (which many people do), but then be prepared for me to ignore yours. This is not a matter of principle, but solely of time and my physical capabilities. Don't be offended.

If you want to receive qualified help, please seek advice, and I will devote my time and knowledge to you with full dedication.

With respect and hope for understanding, Frederica

Source:
If he proposed, remain friends
Stay friends - guys often offer this to their ex-girlfriends after a breakup. Why are they doing this and do they really want to be friends?
http://ksusha-club.ru/byvshij-paren-ostatsya-druzyami.html

How do men cope with breakups?

After breaking up with a man, every woman, worried, asks the question of what a man feels at this very moment? Of course, every woman will be pleased to think that a man is suffering without her and cherishes in his soul the hope of returning her.

A man is capable of having strong feelings for a woman, which means that after a breakup he also has a hard time. The question of whether he wants to get you back depends on the situation and circumstances due to which you broke up with him.

Many men, experiencing a breakup with the woman they love, find their solace in alcohol. Women cry into their pillows at night, and men, due to their inability to openly show emotions, drown out their mental pain in this way. After all, everyone knows that alcohol dulls the senses and clouds the mind. This is what makes him so attractive. Men, during their periods of heavy drinking, may not even go to work, but do nothing but try to drown their grief.

Don’t think that he immediately forgets the woman he loved. Sometimes men remember their love for a woman all their lives, and somewhere deep in their souls they harbor hope that everything could have been different. But often a sense of pride does not allow them to take the first step, make reconciliation, forgive and leave grievances in the past. Those men who cannot forgive bury this feeling in themselves as deeply as possible. They don't drown him in alcohol, they just become more withdrawn.

How do men behave after a breakup? If a man invites you to remain friends, this means that during your relationship you have truly become a dear person to him. But behind such friendship, there is often a hope that everything can be returned.

Other men, on the contrary, burn all bridges after parting, and don’t even say hello when they meet. This happens if a woman has caused great pain to a man, which he still cannot cope with.

Many men believe that new relationships or short flings will help them quickly forget the woman they love. Sex relieves stress and brings physical pleasure, but it cannot fill the void left by breaking up with the person you loved.

A man can easily survive a breakup with the woman he loves only if the decision to separate came mutually, due to an exhausted relationship. When two people make such a decision, it does not cause them painful feelings and empty hopes. Only in this case can the separated couple have a chance to become good friends, or at least maintain friendly relations.

Therefore, one should not think that men experience a breakup with the woman they love much easier. They simply may not openly show their pain, unlike us women.

You once had a relationship, but for some reason it didn’t work out. And here the notorious phrase sounds: “let’s remain friends.” Is this a veiled sign of a complete break, or is friendship between former lovers really possible in principle? And what could be the consequences of such a situation? Comments are given by psychologist Marina Vozchikova.

If after a breakup no one is very offended, then why not be friends?

Indeed, often at the end of a relationship, one of the couple - a guy or a girl - suggests: “Let’s remain friends,” says the specialist. - But this does not always mean the intention to be friends. More often we simply do not want to offend a person by refusing him communication. And for real friendship to arise, a number of conditions are necessary.

First of all, you shouldn't be so upset with each other that you avoid communicating. Often we understand that a person is not so bad, he’s just not suitable for us to live together - he’s not the right character, he lacks the essential qualities that we would like to see in our boyfriend, he has annoying traits, and so on. But as a friend or buddy, the guy suits us quite well.

Friendship between a guy and a girl occurs when they have something in common. Some hobbies, views on life, maybe joint work or territorial proximity. If at least one of these conditions is met, then there is a chance that the proposal to “remain friends” will not remain an empty phrase.

A “trial” separation will save the relationship

Parting as a means of saving love

Lessons on separation according to Newton's laws. Psychology

What's good about being friends with your ex-boyfriend?

What are the pros and cons of such friendships “after love”?

There are many positive aspects to such relationships.

Firstly, during the period while you were a couple, a certain emotional closeness and understanding arose between you. In other words, it is easier for you to find a common language with each other.

Secondly, you know each other’s strengths and weaknesses well, so you know how to behave with each other, what to expect, and can give or receive practical advice from your ex-partner in a given situation.

Third, the fact that you were once intimate makes your communication more open. There are also couples who remain friends and continue to periodically enter into sexual relationships simply because they enjoy each other and without a hint of a return to the past.

How to get your ex back. Relationship

Your boyfriend's ideal ex. Relationship

What are the disadvantages of being friends with an ex-boyfriend?

But in such friendship there are also many pitfalls.

Firstly, if one of the couple still has feelings for the former partner, then friendly relations can become torment for him. After all, your ex-lover may already be building a new relationship with someone else, and you are still counting on something... It’s not easy for you to see him regularly, communicate with him and at the same time know that he no longer belongs to you... They may have place seemingly unreasonable scenes of jealousy, inappropriate actions, etc.

Secondly, an affair that has developed into a friendship can seriously interfere with a new relationship. It happens that an ex-boyfriend rushes between an old girlfriend and a new passion, feeling guilty before both, while both ladies are desperately jealous of each other...

Thirdly, it is difficult for you to discuss your personal life with a friend who was once your lover, which would not be difficult if there had never been an affair between you. For example, you don't know how to tell him that you are already in a relationship with someone else.

So is it even worth maintaining a friendship with your ex? Here are the recommendations of psychologist Marina Vozchikova.

Let's learn to turn it off politely. Psychology

Eight phrases you should never say to a man

Relationships with an ex-boyfriend are a new form of monogamy. Sex

Tips on how to deal with an ex-boyfriend who offers friendship

Before you suggest staying friends, think about whether you need it.

You shouldn't try to maintain friendly relations if you still have feelings for this guy, but he doesn't have feelings for you. It will hurt you.

You should be wary of agreeing to be friends with a guy who still has feelings for you if you don't reciprocate his feelings. This can put you in an awkward situation over time.

You should not abuse your “friendship rights” if your ex-lover has a new partner. She probably won't be happy if you constantly annoy her boyfriend with various requests - for example, to help you with repairs or to take you somewhere in your car.

Also, don't spend too much time with your ex-boyfriend if you have a new one.

If you decide to invite your ex-boyfriend to visit, and he already has a new lover, invite them together, otherwise there will inevitably be problems.

Try not to discuss your previous relationship with your ex. Also, you should not discuss them with his new girlfriend or your new chosen one. What has happened has passed!

Breaking up with your loved one. A sea of ​​tears and half-dead dreams. You fell head over heels in love with him, and then he turned his back on you. Grasping the last thread of hope, you think that friendly meetings will give you a chance to return his love. But is it worth settling for friendship as a consolation prize?

What made me write this article was reading the same type of stories about the so-called “friendship with exes” (this is when he has friendly sex, and she still has the same love affair). Is it worth turning from a lover into a “girlfriend”, dreaming of someday returning to the previous status?

I read on the forum:

“Tell me, is this the end, or does everything depend on me?Can it be returned?

He said that he would not rush to develop that relationship for now, and he needed to forget me.

I know that meetings are excluded, he will avoid me, but I!!! knocked out friendship!!! We will communicate.
I’m also encouraged that he hasn’t told his friends yet that he left me (at least that’s what he said).
Or maybe I’m wishful thinking and that’s all...

“Knocked out friendship?” They beat out debts and carpets! And in love and friendship, no one owes anyone anything.

Either there is mutual interest - or one kisses, and the other condescendingly offers, it’s good if the cheek. If a person has clearly stated that the relationship is over - to extort friendship means to beg for love.

What do those begging for love count on? At best, those who “beg” can only be given pity. And those who are only pitied are no longer admired, but simply strive to gently get rid of them. You give a chervonets to the poor in spirit and wallet as a consolation and try to quickly pass by so that you no longer become attached and whine.

If you can’t remain in the status of your beloved, at least maintain your self-respect!

No matter how hard it is, you shouldn’t slide into clinging to the last thread of hope. Following her feelings, the woman clings to the “empty space.” She doesn’t realize that by doing this she is killing the last chance to return his feelings.

When a woman begs for love, she falls in the eyes of a man because she becomes pathetic and dependent, no matter what words she uses to cover up this condition.

D You can offer friendship when you leave yourself, but offering it when they leave you means not allowing the person to appreciate the emptiness that forms in his life after your separation.

(On how to properly disappear from a man’s life if you want to regain his interest, in the book

Sometimes we only begin to appreciate something when we lose the opportunity to see it every day. But how will he understand what treasure he has lost if this treasure itself jumps on his neck?!

After breaking off the relationship, I invited one person to “just be friends.” I was hooked by his reaction: “We had such love - why spoil it with friendship?” Truly a person not prone to self-deception. Despite the fact that during our meetings he demonstrated his love in every possible way, after my words he did not run after me, but simply looked at me and let me go. To be honest, I returned to thoughts about him more than once.

I remembered his phrase, and one day I had to use it too. I answered the manipulative offer to remain as friends lightheartedly: “I found a girlfriend! I’m not old enough to be friends with men yet.” That's all. I cut off all contacts. I didn’t go to the places where he goes. A few months later, he began to approach me again, with some neutral proposals, I communicated calmly and politely, as with a person with whom nothing had ever been connected. Then, apparently deciding that I did not understand that now he was determined to do more than just be friends, he wrote to me: “I want us to have everything as before. I want to see you." And then he “asked”, and I made the decision whether to return or not.